It has come to my attention in the past year that I am incredibly stubborn and that there are certain things in life that I am unwilling to let go of - to my own detriment.
It has been over a year now from the time I began truly fighting for things I believe in; things I want most in the world. These ideals include a household that works as a team, a household that provides a safe and secure environment for all, a household with parents who set a good example for their children and assist them to become happy, well-adjusted individuals, a household full of love!
Through standing up for these strong values which I have held so dear for years and years, I lost other things I truly and deeply wanted, such as my first genuinely great love, my first family, and my biggest dream (see above paragraph and add, "getting it right the first time"). Now, I know I did what I had to do and I know I did what was right. Logically, I have complete understanding that if I had to lose so much, it was never actually there in the first place. BUT emotionally this remains untrue.
There were days where I truly was living my dream! It maybe wasn't completely perfect, but it was enough for me. I was content. I was happy. I was with the man I love, I had our beautiful baby that I always wanted, and I even had his daughter whom I took in and loved as my own - as all children should be. So I had my family and I had my career. I had my dream.
Dreams aren't always what they seem I suppose. Or perhaps they simply fade when you're caught up in the busy-ness of life and fail to notice what's slipping through your fingers. Or maybe it's that you want it so incredibly badly that you refuse to notice what's not really there afterall.
In any case, I don't want to start placing blame here. I know I did everything I possibly could to make things work the way I wanted them to be. Maybe that was my downfall; I couldn't just let things be, but I had my reasons (again, see early paragraph). There was a lot of love, but there was also a lot of fear and a lot of dysfunction; things I wouldn't want any child to see and use as an example as a way of going about life.
Suffice to say, love isn't everything and from Marilyn Monroe: "Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." Now if only I can let go of that first dream that fell apart so I can be open to better things falling together...